Confessions of a Will-Be

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 00:14:28 GMT

oops scratch that.

NEW JOURNALLLLLL yaayyy

irishbanana

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 21:14:56 GMT

it's too bad that i can't just not care.
it surprises me that it would still matter to me so much
and it sounds stupid thinking how it would sound to talk about it.

fuck everything.
i'm completely not okay.

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 16:10:49 GMT

we're at Stonybrook University for Science Research.
I wasted about $8 on photo copies, or something like that.
I can't wait until 11:30, TACO BELL TIMEEE YAAAAAAAAAY!!!
anyway, there are so many freaking Asians here, gosh.
but they're so cool.
I might actually want to go here.
this crazy lady came up to us like "We've got maps set up at the map room"
it was funny because she sounded weird.

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 03:05:30 GMT

okay calmer.
it was just so amazing, and i loved how they worked out the newscaster's words with the scenes
it was just beautiful,
and no one who doesn't watch the show will understand what i'm talking about,
but this show is amazing, and people can say what they will about how stupid it is or whatever but you know what they just don't know.

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 03:02:15 GMT

okay
ONETREEHILL

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg
*hyperventilate*
omgfg

omfgomfgomf
ofmgofg
fomfg
omfg
omfg
fogmfg
famazing
amzing
amzingadf
adf
a
no words!jslkfaf

JUST WOW.
shit he better not die though i'll kill
omg
it was insane.

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 16:37:59 GMT

okay um
was it necessary to online-delete me
god.

whatever.
whatever.
whatever.

am i really that fucking bad that you can't stand me?
that you can't have anything to do with me at all?

you know what, fine.
i'm done then.

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 16:29:31 GMT

happy thanksgivinggggg
happy turkey day
happy eating too much food!
so i made up my christmas list.
woot.

and got my report card.
i did pretty good, actually.
hopefully i can keep it up.
no pressure or anything.

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 00:03:04 GMT

MY DREAM CAME TRUE.
well one of many.
i got a fat little stuffed Mumble from Happy Feet.

I have a strong urge to redecorate. so i'm going to do that.
in about 4 seconds.

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 17:12:04 GMT

p.s. this is for procrastination purposes.
and FCUK is a great store.
i saw a shirt that said

"I'd FCUK me."
hellooooo. how awesome is that shirt.

oh yeah and throughout this week i've been caught in between civility. is that a word, if not it should be and now is. and indignation. overall, indignation dominated the first half of the week, and later on civility sort of gradually mixed in and diluted it.
[EDIT: Looked it up. it is a word. endedit]

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 17:02:24 GMT

a number of things happened this week.
on monday, it was the XC dinner. it was sad, because the season was great, and it was fun even though i didn't run for about 1/4 of it and most of the time that i did i felt like dying.
on tuesday, i have no idea what happened.
wednesday, i auditioned. according to Luis I did good, but who knows.
Thursday I forgot to join book club, again. i think i'll just show up in June.
oh and i got sick i think
friday i was coughy and mad. but there was a fun "football game" with a lot more people than expected and of course, no footballing.
saturday i went to the city with my family and got new kicks. they're pretty schveet. and then i got home and thought morbid thoughts about my own death. and then i thought about why friends break up and it made me sad.
sunday it's todayyy and i'm not really sure what i'm doing yet except that i'm going to the track to watch lucky people who know how to run properly.

maybe i shold put on socks.
i'm cold.

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 19:55:18 GMT

it's not really okay.
but i guess it has to be.

and i still have to find that fucking key.
i thought sundays were supposed to be peaceful.

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 16:46:39 GMT

so, it kind of feels like getting broken up with.

except you were never going out with the person,
and they were supposed to last longer than any boyfriend would.

but those songs were always just for dancing to.

what, no hot chocolate?

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 05:21:41 GMT

i got drive-by shot at.
with marshmellows.
it was insane.
and really really stupid.
but also really really funny.

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 16:28:07 GMT

i think i was supposed to do something on 11/11.
but at 11:11 tonight.

i have the perfect wish.

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 23:14:44 GMT

so um here's something different from the last few entries
happiness!!!!!!!!

my mom's home.
howeve.r
i was very bored today.
supposed to hang out with people but then they went MIA on me, so npers.
oh wells.
i've been snappy lately.
but i already covered that
so i'm sorry. =/
but i think it was PMS or something anyway i'm like mellow right now.
hope it'll last =)

i finally finished my stupid esssay
that took me 138012938021938120391823091238120931 hours.

okay, more like 1.5
but still.
it was long.

Sat, 04 Nov 2006 18:42:30 GMT

i hate sounding dramatic or emo, though it's usually how it turns out.
Lately, i've been extremely irritable. the smallest things set me off, and nothing ever comes out the right way, the way i mean it.
Lately, i've been extra tired of dealing with happy couples, because i feel like i shouldn't be there, that i'm just a wheel, and normally i'd be just fine, but lately, i don't know what's going on with me.
and, brashleigh, i know you've said that i'm not a wheel, though i don't even know how you feel about it now, but i still feel like extra, like i don't belong, because let's see.
in romantic ads and commercials, it's two people together. happy. they don't show their friend, the single wheel-type figure. because they're unnecessary.
so i guess this is some sort of public apology, mostly addressed to my friends ,if I've ever been a bitch to them lately.
i have a lot to say, and nothing that I want to say, because I'm afraid of the reaction I might get, and I don't mean for this to sound cryptic, though I suppose it kind of is.
Lately, I'm also easily offended. Like by being called weird, or retarded, or anything that I'd usually brush off as nothing.
Lately, I've try to help people who I know don't want it, and I'm sorry for that too.
Lately, I get mad at people for stupid things just as quickly as I get over it, so I don't know what' s going on with me lately, and I'm just sorry for it.
Lately I feel like crying a lot., but I don'. instead i say things that provoke people and lately i feel like i can't talk to one of my best friends, like we haven't had a real conversation in a long time, like there's tension and too many things left unsaid, and i just want it to go away and rewind into the times when we talked for hours about everything and nothing at the same time. i miss my mom and wish she would come home sooner, even though she's coming home tomorrow.
i want to would stop caring that i don't have a boyfriend and i wish that it worked when people tell me that there's nothing wonderful about relationships, even if i know they don't mean it because they are so, so happy in their's.
yesterday i hung out with A and we watched Just Friends. It was a wonderful movie but of course, like most movies, it made me sad.

i want to go for a walk but i know that if i do, i'll get out the door and have no idea where to go from there.

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 00:55:38 GMT

An inventor. A wishful thinker. A scientist. A doctor. A soldier.
Five friends, living the life they dreamt of as young children.
They've known each other for almost twenty years now, and were there for everything, from their first encounter with the opposite sex to first love to marriage, and for one, the last two are one and the same. The inventor's birthday is in just a few days. He'll be turning thirty, the oldest of the bunch. On that day, the wishful thinker, the scientist, the doctor, and the soldier will all regroup in celebration of another wonderful year. Thinking back, the inventor realized that his life was complete. If he were to die suddenly, he would be okay with it. He would die without regrets. All he'd ever wanted since childhood was to create things, useful inventions that people would think to be ingenious. He'd never concerned himself with the complications of relationships. That is why he is the only one who remains unwed. At least, that's what he likes to tell himself when he wakes up in a cold sweat. He dreads facing the night, but loves it all at once. He is fearful of it because he knows he'll have to sleep, and sleeping means facing all the things he is too tired to see. He loves it because the darkness makes it so easy to hide what the harsh light of day reveals. He remembers everything, and sometimes, he wishes he couldn't. His best friend, the doctor, always complains that she has a horrible memory. She is always telling him how she wishes she had his memory. He has always had a good memory. It was almost photographic. It could be, he thought, if he took the time to hone it. That scares him even more. He does not want to remember anything. He saw suffering from amnesia as not suffering, but rather a blessing. The scientist tried numerous times to explain to his friend that there are other ways, that if the inventor were willing, he could help him forget, or at least get past it. The inventor always retorts with the same answer. Silence. The other four have gotten used to this reluctance, the stubborn nature of the inventor often providing new material for a joke.

I think it's kind of pathetic whenever I have to resort to livejournal for venting.
but that's pretty much what it's for.
i'm angry at myself for being so irritable.
I'm angry at myself for not being able to change things
I'm angry at myself for not being good enough.
or any 'enough',
I'm angry at myself for things that could've happened,
the way things might've been if I were social when I was five,
I'm angry at myself for not being able to hold a grudge,
and I'm angry at myself for being so fucking worried that people will be mad at me,
and I'm angry at others for not knowing me,
and I'm just really angry a lot lately.
I hate the word angry.
I hate when Limewire skips
I hate that I use "I hate" a lot more than I used to.
I hate people who are smart but do really stupid things.
I hate people who can't wait and have sex too soon,
and I hate people who think sex is all that matters.
I hate being told I don't understand,
I hate being looked down on for lacking experience
I hate when people assume that I don't smoke,
just because I'm "one of those girls who don't smoke"
I hate when people assume things about me in general,
just because I don't "seem" like something,
and I hate that I assume things too.
I hate when people call me mean or bitchy
and I hate it when I prove them right from time to time.
I hate when people wear clothes that don't fit and look bad.
I hate when they're stuck up about it
I hate people with bad attitudes who don't shower.
I hate that I don't feel at all like mentioning anything I love.
I hate that I can't be hilarious or generally viewed as amazing.
I hate that I have bouts of depression like this.
I hate that school's so early in the morning, and I have to wake up.
I hate that when I cry, my eyes get puffy and swollen, and it's so obvious.
I hate that I'm not one of those girls who wake up and look great.
I hate that make-up doesn't bring out my eyes.
I hate stupid songs that go, "Ballin'" and completely ruin the beat, which would be not bad otherwise.
I hate that I always want to be in relationships and then screw them up.
I hate that it makes me jealous when people tell me how far they've gone with their whoever.
I hate that I can't say, "Yeah me too", or contribute anything except, "Wow" or "Ooh"
I hate a lot of things that have to do with relationships or my lack thereof
not even a possibility.

If you can't miss something you've never had, how can I miss "love"?
If you can't understand what something's like, how can you want it so much?
I don't know.

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 23:39:14 GMT

why is the truth so hard to tell?

a lot of people say that they hate liars,
they say that they could never forgive anyone who lied to them,
that they could never trust them again.

so what do they have to say about their own lies?

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 03:25:18 GMT

I think I could probably take down at least 10 zombies.
Before I get tired. and hungry.

EDIT: but if Man Eater (yes, I know. "WHY?!") was on, probably 25. And if I was mad, and assuming that I could run semi-normal/fast, then 30. And if I had a gun, 38. If I was in a bulletproof 007 niceass car, definitely at least 40. Ooh but if I was also on drugs that empowered me, 56.

if you don't give a fuck, neither do i.

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 03:15:44 GMT

For once I didn't spend the day wallowing in self misery.
I only spent half.
On the way home from my uncle's, my thoughts, strangely, were in Shakespearean prose.
It was extremely freakish. I thought about a million things a mile, and figured out a wonderful way to start off my novel.
I'm going to enter the National Novel Writing Month thing, and attempt to write 100,000 words by November 31st, starting from November 1st. I just clicked on iTunes 123801923x and it still won't load. Stupid.

I figured out exactly what I'm going to be for Halloween.
it's quite exciting. BSNAFFLE, freaking call me about it already. god.
I would call you, but I already did, so if I did again it would seem obsessive or something.

Oh yeah, I was going to be a personality disorder for Halloween, you know, like bipolar or depressed, but that's too done. Plus, I might offend someone. Then, I was going to be a walking STD, but that's too slutty. So, I'm going to be something I won't say because it's a surprise, with an undertone of slutty Asian.

Google is absolutely no help with slutty Asian wear, well nothing that would ever be appropriate for going out in public.

Yeha.
so.
bye.

word

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 18:22:04 GMT

i'm bored out of my mind
and feel oddly depressed.
so i'm going to drown my sorrows in.
well. nothing, since my cousin doesn't have food.

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 21:57:21 GMT

if it is not truth that you can say
then speak not of lies
which shall bring up hopes evermore,
which shall shatter hearts
mended just a moment before.
rather say nothing at all,
it is best to keep them guessing.

still working on it.

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 21:31:49 GMT

A pair of lovers like magnets,
can't keep away,
and yet another with clouded eyes,
too intoxicated by lust to
realize it could never last.
a boy reeled in again and again
by a girl who has already moved on,
far away from his grasp.
An obscure boy in love with
the girl who has no idea of his worth,
no idea of his devotion,
no idea of how much he has to offer.
A good friend's gaze who always meets
the back of his head,
who follows his eyes to another,
her best friend and heart's worst enemy.
A group of friends who
in the midst of their laughter,
each with their own mask of lies
wish they were brave enough to
say it out loud.

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 21:03:04 GMT

how many mean it, truly, truly in their hearts mean it, when they say "I love you" to someone they've been going out with for a day, and have never had previous feelings for? how many "Always and forever"s really expect to make it to forever, and how few actually do? How long is forever, anyway? if one person goes out with ten people, and say "I love you" to all ten of those people, have they really loved all ten of them, and what if to every single one they said, "you're the only one for me"? How many 'only' ones can a person have?

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 20:56:33 GMT

Okay soo.. today was pretty good.
I got DR. PEPPER yay!

but then someone said something that i can't say, so i'm not going to say anything.