Confessions of a Will-Be -

Confessions of a Will-Be -

(	thegirl	\|	she is so...	)
(	memories	\|	of the past	)

[Thursday - Nov. 2nd, 2006_07:55 pm]

[

soundtrack to my life::

you could be happy

]

An inventor. A wishful thinker. A scientist. A doctor. A soldier.
Five friends, living the life they dreamt of as young children.
They've known each other for almost twenty years now, and were there for everything, from their first encounter with the opposite sex to first love to marriage, and for one, the last two are one and the same. The inventor's birthday is in just a few days. He'll be turning thirty, the oldest of the bunch. On that day, the wishful thinker, the scientist, the doctor, and the soldier will all regroup in celebration of another wonderful year. Thinking back, the inventor realized that his life was complete. If he were to die suddenly, he would be okay with it. He would die without regrets. All he'd ever wanted since childhood was to create things, useful inventions that people would think to be ingenious. He'd never concerned himself with the complications of relationships. That is why he is the only one who remains unwed. At least, that's what he likes to tell himself when he wakes up in a cold sweat. He dreads facing the night, but loves it all at once. He is fearful of it because he knows he'll have to sleep, and sleeping means facing all the things he is too tired to see. He loves it because the darkness makes it so easy to hide what the harsh light of day reveals. He remembers everything, and sometimes, he wishes he couldn't. His best friend, the doctor, always complains that she has a horrible memory. She is always telling him how she wishes she had his memory. He has always had a good memory. It was almost photographic. It could be, he thought, if he took the time to hone it. That scares him even more. He does not want to remember anything. He saw suffering from amnesia as not suffering, but rather a blessing. The scientist tried numerous times to explain to his friend that there are other ways, that if the inventor were willing, he could help him forget, or at least get past it. The inventor always retorts with the same answer. Silence. The other four have gotten used to this reluctance, the stubborn nature of the inventor often providing new material for a joke.

I think it's kind of pathetic whenever I have to resort to livejournal for venting.
but that's pretty much what it's for.
i'm angry at myself for being so irritable.
I'm angry at myself for not being able to change things
I'm angry at myself for not being good enough.
or any 'enough',
I'm angry at myself for things that could've happened,
the way things might've been if I were social when I was five,
I'm angry at myself for not being able to hold a grudge,
and I'm angry at myself for being so fucking worried that people will be mad at me,
and I'm angry at others for not knowing me,
and I'm just really angry a lot lately.
I hate the word angry.
I hate when Limewire skips
I hate that I use "I hate" a lot more than I used to.
I hate people who are smart but do really stupid things.
I hate people who can't wait and have sex too soon,
and I hate people who think sex is all that matters.
I hate being told I don't understand,
I hate being looked down on for lacking experience
I hate when people assume that I don't smoke,
just because I'm "one of those girls who don't smoke"
I hate when people assume things about me in general,
just because I don't "seem" like something,
and I hate that I assume things too.
I hate when people call me mean or bitchy
and I hate it when I prove them right from time to time.
I hate when people wear clothes that don't fit and look bad.
I hate when they're stuck up about it
I hate people with bad attitudes who don't shower.
I hate that I don't feel at all like mentioning anything I love.
I hate that I can't be hilarious or generally viewed as amazing.
I hate that I have bouts of depression like this.
I hate that school's so early in the morning, and I have to wake up.
I hate that when I cry, my eyes get puffy and swollen, and it's so obvious.
I hate that I'm not one of those girls who wake up and look great.
I hate that make-up doesn't bring out my eyes.
I hate stupid songs that go, "Ballin'" and completely ruin the beat, which would be not bad otherwise.
I hate that I always want to be in relationships and then screw them up.
I hate that it makes me jealous when people tell me how far they've gone with their whoever.
I hate that I can't say, "Yeah me too", or contribute anything except, "Wow" or "Ooh"
I hate a lot of things that have to do with relationships or my lack thereof
not even a possibility.

If you can't miss something you've never had, how can I miss "love"?
If you can't understand what something's like, how can you want it so much?
I don't know.

Link

Comments:

From:

lmk_smellsss
2006-11-04 02:04 am (UTC)

(Link)

do you really smoke?
i dont want to tel you what to do, i really dont, simply b/c thats just not the way i am, but i hafta lecture for a minute.
believe me, ik better than basically anyone that smoking is effing wonderful.
but please, get out while you still can.
youre...fourteen?
if you smoke two packs a day, thats fourteen dollars a day.
times seven days a week.
times fiftytwo weeks a year.
thats 5096 dollars a year.
you could buy something so much better with that.
and then you could get cancer, and you smell bad, and blehhh.
okay, im done lecturing you b/c honestly, i used to smoke, and i HATEDDDDDDDDDDD it when people lectured me.
like i wouldnt even listen to them. just block them out.
but please, just think about it, and then come back to me with a list of things that it solves when you smoke.
im sorry, especially if you dont actually smoke, and were just saying you hate like stereotypes. lol.
but yeah, i adore you too much to smoke.
and if you EVERRR need to vent, im a good listener, so you can aim me.
[lmkheartsmisfits]
<3333

(Reply) (Thread)

From:

orthographist
2006-11-04 02:40 am (UTC)

(Link)

lol
i don't smoke, don't worry.
just today, i was told that i was "one of those girls" who don't smoke or do anything bad, and i was just thinking about it.

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

From:

lmk_smellsss
2006-11-04 02:53 am (UTC)

(Link)

okay, just checkin.
i get worried about my freshies.
i feel like i need to set an example.
lol.
yeah, stereotypes are lameeeee.
<3333

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

From:

orthographist
2006-11-04 02:56 am (UTC)

(Link)

loll freshiess.
thanks junie.

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From: